How to propose to your man! 5 simple rules for women

According to English law February 29^th represents the only day of the year that a woman may legally propose marriage to a man. The team at Quidblog love adhering to traditions, so we’re not going to argue. Of course, if you’re a lady reader and feel ready for a lifetime of bed sharing with your current beau you’d better get a move on. After tomorrow you’re faced with a long four year wait...

Before committing to such drastic action, it’s worth bearing in mind that we gentlemen are complicated beasts. You may feel secure in the knowledge that you know everything about your other half, but the chances are you don’t. Taking advice from Hollywood rom-coms, sappy chick-lit, Rachel and Monica from Friends, the lyrics of that Corrs song you liked when you were sixteen and melodramatic television soaps will not have helped you over the years. In fact they may well have done irreparable damage.

The fact is women will never truly understand men, because we’ll never truly understand ourselves. We scream at the television knowing full-well our football team can’t hear us, we order stupidly hot curries on a Friday night knowing Saturday morning will bring us a world of pain, we often go for ‘a quick pint after work’ and roll into bed fully clothed at 2am hoping you’ll just give us a knowing wink, we forget important anniversaries despite writing reminder notes for ourselves weeks in advance. In truth we’re morons (a fact many of us are ready to admit) and it’s a real surprise that evolution hasn’t yet seen us rubbed out.

Anyway, if that doesn’t put you off and you still fancy popping the question it’s probably best you follow a few simple rules. Just some basics which won’t see us jumping out of the nearest window when you get down on one knee (don’t do that, we’ll just check out your cleavage) and present us with a ring (a nice watch might be better…or a big TV).

Don’t tell everybody first

Do not tell all your mates first. In a world of minute-by-minute status updates on Facebook, public attention-seeking on Twitter and myriad other social networks appealing to our inherent sense of narcissism, it’s almost certain that telling one too many people will see news of your impending proposal rocket it’s way around the world, earn it’s own hashtag and likely make front page headlines before you’ve even opened your mouth.

By all means tell a select few close girlfriends and (at a push) your sister, but after that steal their smart phones, bind their hands and tape their mouths. It may sound drastic, but surely that’s better than having the surprise spoiled?

Be as clear as possible

If you’re going to propose make sure you do it properly. Don’t do what you quite often do (be honest, you do!), which is leave us guys having to guess what it is you’re actually thinking or asking. How many times do we get it wrong, thus earning ourselves a bedroom ban while you watch Hugh Grant films and suck  Haagen-Dazs through a straw? Ask your man in clear, simple terms – at least that way they’ll be no confusion and you’ll at least get an honest answer.

Stay away from big crowds

Do not, under any circumstances, propose to your boyfriend during a break in play at a live sports fixture. While he may appreciate you showing an interest in his favourite past-time (drinking beer and swearing at overpaid athletes), there’s a good chance he won’t appreciate being the centre of attention when 60,000 male supporters are informed of your intentions.

If he says no, how are you supposed to enjoy the rest of the action? If he says yes (and the fact is transmitted over the Tannoy) you can be sure as anything that a spontaneous chant of “You Don’t Know What You’re Doing” will echo around the arena arrowed firmly in the direction of your new fiancé. Despite considering ourselves sane individuals, certain members of the Quidblog team have, on more than one occasion, heartily joined in with such demonic sing-songs. It’s embarrassing for all parties.

Timing is essential

Love at first sight – it’s a wonderful concept but let’s be honest, it’s only given credence by couples talking in retrospect (and in cringingly smitten terms) at their wedding reception. The moment you start believing everything was written in the stars you’re pretty much doomed. As such it’s worth waiting before you propose; probably longer than six months. Just ask the likes of Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian and Britney Spears (twice) what happens when you race into a failed marriage; that’s right, you’re forced to sit crying on a beach in a bikini while carefully flirting with Daily Mail reporters.

If you’ve not been seeing your other half at least six months, do not propose. Full stop. Once the honeymoon period is over you’ll be in a much healthier position to assess whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who spent two years in jail, owns an illegal firearm, has a fascination with setting things alight and enjoys listening to Phil Collins. You think Quidblog kids, but we know these specimens.

Lay the groundwork

Be Prepared – it’s the motto of Boy Scouts and Girl Guides the world over. It seems to make more sense than the dictum of the British Army, which declares, in almost Dell-Boy-esque terms, ‘Who Dares, Wins.’ What Quidblog is trying to stress is that planning a proposal can be key to its success. While you should be almost certain that you’re going to get the answer you want before proposing, a bit of buttering-up never did any harm.

Dress up for the occasion and if you’re planning a romantic night in, select the menu, music and lighting carefully. Don’t go baking a ring into a cake, or getting any animals involved in its delivery to the finger of your potential betrothed. In fact keep props out of it, they just cause problems!

Keep the proposal intimate and be sure to stay well away from doing it in front of friends, family and any ex-wives. Know how you plan to express your love, but don’t rehearse it until it sounds scripted – a few tears wouldn’t go amiss, but don’t ball your eyes out like a neurotic mess (especially if you’re doing things in public). All in all remember that simplicity is key…unless of course you’ve hired the Red Arrows to spell out the whole thing above the London skyline - that would be ace.

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