All you wanted to know about the new iPad…by a tablet virgin

Apple

Up until a couple of weeks ago I had never so much as touched an iPad, much less used one, but deep down I supposed I would like them. I’m not exactly a member of Apple’s target audience, I’m not a business professional, I don’t go to coffee shops and I’m not David Hockney. I’m an average man with brown hair and brown clothes, I have a woeful knowledge of current affairs and a tendency to balk at everything: conversation, exercise, independent thought. But here I am, writing about the latest one.

Before a pint of beer intervened, I used to own an 80GB iPod, and I currently have an iPhone, so I think that qualifies me as being in the ball park of knowledge. After all, the iPad’s essentially just a big iPhone right? I’m a fervent, arrogant user of my phone, just like all former naysayers turn out to be. There was a time when I waved my A-Z and Nokia 3310 proudly, the bent pages of that unintelligible book flapping and the phone’s pitiful luminous screen shining craply, but no more, now I use my phone for all those things I swore I’d never do; blogging, tweeting, engaging, and I reflexively pity people who don’t own one, like some kind of stupid pompous ass. It made me kind of hate the iPad before I even took a look at it.

Still though, I persevered. Oddly I couldn’t afford the five hundred pounds it would take to buy a brand new one, so I had to make do with making a nuisance of myself in various Apple stores in central London. I discovered a number of things. Firstly, that you can’t speak to anyone who knows anything in those shops without ‘an appointment’ and secondly, that every other customer in those places deserves to be shot for crimes against punctuality. I beavered away for literally minutes, poking my head over the shoulders of strangers and ultimately enjoying some precious seconds on the new toy. Here’s the new features I discovered, this is for all my fellow layman, for people who want to know what the iPad can do now that it never used to be able to do.

New screen:

The major new addition to this iPad is the 9.7 inch screen. It runs at a million more pixels than your average high definition TV and it has a resolution of 2,048 x 1,536, which is the highest that there’s ever been on a mobile device, four times sharper than the last iPad. Throw in a huge A5X processor chip to give you super crisp graphics and you have a brand new graphic capability that can offer some pretty stunning results and an interface that’s more responsive than David Cameron in Greggs.

Camera:

This iPad has got itself a rear view camera that’s as good as that on the iPhone 4S i.e. five mega pixels. You’ll be able to take photos on a variety of lenses and go on to edit and display them on the immense new display. It can also shoot HD films at up to thirty frames a second. Which is nice. I have absolutely no doubt that you’ll all be leaving your iPhone cameras in your pockets and walking around taking photos with your brand new iPad tablets from now on, especially at night.

Wireless Technology:

The improved internet technology on the new iPad works on numerous separate bands, which means that you’re going to be able to access all of the worlds data networks and get online at any time. It can even act as an internet hot spot which can be used by up to five other devices, which will be incredibly handy for gambling, online piracy and pornography. I for one will be avidly waiting for the arrival of these niche past times into the mainstream.

Dictation

You can now dictate emails and messages on this device using the new voice recorder. This will undoubtedly come in handy to people on the go. Just think, Alan Sugar can now shout at people from literally thousands of miles away if he wants to. Thanks Apple.

iOS and iCloud

Using iOS you can now get access to all of the top of the range games and compatible software there is. Over 200,000 apps and all the cons you never knew you needed until you got them; News Stand, iMessage and Apple TV, it’s all there. iCloud is Apple’s innovative storage system that wirelessly sends all of your music, documents, photos and apps and pushes them to your other devices without asking you to. It’s a bit like your mum, except it tidies your stuff away and you know where it’s put it.

So there you have it. Don’t call it a Next Generation iPad, call it an iPad Three, and buy it if you can afford it. Why the hell not, you probably need one. I know I probably will at some point, if not now, maybe later, after I’ve finished drunkenly mourning the death of non-internet based research and the end of the uninformed debate between friends. You get yourselves to the shops whilst I go down the pub, I’ll meet you somewhere down the line.

Remember you can personalise your iPad by getting free engraving along with cashback, if you shop with Apple through Quidco. 

This is a guest post by James Clarke, you can follow him on Twitter @jamesrgclarke